Over the past few months the question asked of me the most is “How are you doing?”. I never know quite how to answer that.
You, who have come to know me over the past 7 years, know that Bill was so much a part of me I hardly know/knew where he stopped and I started. As far as I’m concerned my life started when we were married (now almost 52 years ago). And when Bill died — what I call my real life — ended.
Not that I don’t have things to do and accomplish. I do. And I’ll get there.
I realize I’ve been blessed with this time for a reason and I plan to make the most of it and offer as much value to others as I can; especially through my writing.
But as all who have lost someone so much a part of them know, this year has not been easy.
Under a Dark Shadow
Grief for Bill cast a dark shadow over my life.
Exhaustion became the norm. Simple things turned into all day tasks. Anything that required concentration, I just couldn’t do and didn’t want to do. Sleep is erratic at best.
At times it’s been like living in a dream where I’m not part of things, but only a spectator.
It was reassuring to read an article recently that listed all of the above as symptoms of grief; symptoms that can intensify and linger in direct proportion to how close you were to the person you lost.
The article explained that these symptoms can be nature’s way of slowing us down and giving us time to heal.
Self Talk (Inner Dialogue)
Our greatest enemy can be what we tell ourselves over and over on a day to day, minute to minute basis — our inner dialogue.
The greatest battle within that I’m fighting is keeping my mind off the horrible part of what Bill and I experienced the last year of his life.
A Long Established Habit
In spite of the ocean of tears, the heart breaking feelings of grief, and all the other symptoms that accompany a loss of someone so dear, I continue the habit that Bill and I established in our lives years ago. And that is to walk in the direction I want to go — even if it only involves taking baby steps in that direction.
Focus Determines Outcome
Bill and I learned years ago that no matter how bad a situation is, focusing on the negative doesn’t bring anything positive. And some times — since we’re human — focusing on the negative is just what we want to do!
But things only get better when we look for and find the positives that are there and make those our focus. In most every case, our focus will determine our outcome — be it negative or positive.
One of the things I do when I need encouragement is to go back and read the personal emails you’ve sent and the wonderful comments of love and concern that you’ve left on posts telling about Bill. As I’ve told you before, I hold you dear and have been lifted by your words.
The past two weeks I’ve seen a good bit of improvement in myself. I hope that at least by the end of the year I will be writing more posts, more books, and offering suggestions to help make you even more successful in your gardens.
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